Uncertain Times: From An Easy Life To A Skewed Norman Rockwell Outlook

A photoless vent.

Why is life so stressful? It seems like all my life things have been easy. And I really mean that. I've always known I'd have food on the table. I've always known there'd be a paycheck and if there wasn't; we had savings. I've always had someone sleeping next to me to warm my feet on and cry to. There was always something to look forward to; though that hasn't changed. I've always had somewhere warm to live. I've always loved or felt loved to one degree or another.

I have faith in myself that I will always be able to put food on the table, provide somewhere warm to live, work hard enough and I will always have something to look forward to. No matter how bad things get they will always get better. There is no one in my bed to warm my feet on or cry to now.

There is a tremendous feeling of guilt for me and for him, but also the knowing that it wouldn't be smart to keep going; and if we had we would've eventually hated each other. That is not something I ever want to happen. I want him to always be a part of my life and a friend. Just because we can't be married and are perfectly unsuitable as roomates, does not mean we can't be friends. He is the father of my children and there is a certain amount of love that goes with that. I can't brush aside ten years of my life and a relationship with someone that was more good than bad. It just wasn't the right good and the bad, was a sign of worse to come; I am fully confident in that. In fact, I have never been so sure of anything in my life. But being so sure about this one thing has turned my easy life upside-down. Things will be hard; they will get better.

Uncertainty is a venom in my veins that threatens to give me ulcers and cast me to the corner in lethargy out of mental exhaustion.

The calls have been made, the paperwork being completed, the plans taking shape, the making and mending of relationships and the new places to be and people to be with.

There is a little joy in uncertainty, but that is for the Norman Rockwell mind - at least the California-Cassie version. I have many thoughts in my mind of what I could be, how happy my children will be and how smart they are and will become... where will I be in five years? Hopefully somewhere close to the beach and most certainly somewhere creative and happy and perhaps with someone who wants those things, too.

I will always have a camera around my neck, an apron covered in clay, and two girls at my hip. My eyes will always be green and I will never stop sending back my steaks when they are wrong. I will always love the ocean, the smell and the sand. I will always love Autumn in Wisconsin, the smell and the chill.

I am the same person I was. I'm just a bit wiser and quite a bit more cautious and less of an optimist than I once was; still impatient though and passionate and helpful.

Well that is my vent. I'm feeling sad, but better and relieved to some degree. I'm glad for everyone who has made me who I am or has taught me wonderful things or loved me unconditionally.

Love and cheers! -Cassie